At the beginning of June I decided to simultaneously start graduate school and take up doing Beach Body's 21 Day Fix (after being off and on again). Growing as an educational professional, accomplishing health goals, being a rockstar mom and wife-- I had plans to do it all.
You see, all my life I've been a Type A perfectionist. I graduated from college in 2015 with a 3.94 GPA, a degree earned while working part time to pay for school. I ran two half marathons during that time just to prove I could. I entered the work force ready to take names and change lives. I poured my heart and soul into friendships. I made daily holy hours. And when I got married, I vowed to be the best wife I could be, to always put Ben first only next to God.
Enter infertility.
Who knew that Type A perfectionists could struggle to get pregnant? It definitely wasn't in my plans. But we made it through, and God allowed my heart to shift and mold and bend and break so deeply that when Abigail entered this side of the world every ounce of me loved every ounce of her in an unbreakable way.
Having a child changes you. It fixes your eyes to Heaven and you suddenly see beauty in ways you didn't know exist. It never limited me. It lifted me.
But when we had John, another shift came over me. I couldn't devote all of my attention to one baby. I had to share myself with the physical and emotional needs of my children. My Type A tendencies had to bend, and I learned to start being okay with some messes (physically and metaphorically). My perfectionist tendencies had to break in a very real way as I realized that I don't have 100% to give each of my kids at every moment. *Note: they survive on my best, even when my best feels like 50%. Your kids will, too.
Ben and I settled into a new normal where we found pockets of time for shared prayer and time together. I dove back in to working hard at my job and learned to leave work at work. I made an intentional effort to check in with friends again. With the exception of a few hiccups, the perfectionist was pleased.
And then began my new goals.
I think what people who are climbing the ladder at work and reaching upwards in fitness goals fail to mention is that you lose so much time with your babies when you do so. Two babies, two and under, demand all of you. And while time for self is important, until those humans start sleeping through the night, you don't have mornings. And until their nap schedules line up, you don't have a break in the day. And until they're able to wipe their own butts, you won't get to sit down and eat lunch or go on a run or even sneak out to grab coffee for your exhausted self. Marriage turns into teamwork to get through your chaotic and beautiful days. And when you dive into professional goals, you miss some morning bed-headed kisses. And when you focus on daily fitness goals, you might just lose time to not be "mom and dad" for an hour. And man, it's hard.
Every morning I take my kids to daycare. Summertime is usually my favorite time because I get the luxury of staying home with the kids, soaking in all the moments I missed during the craziness of the school year. I learn that my toddler likes to belt out songs and that my baby will lay in his crib and smile at me until I choose to pick him up. I'll read books and put sunscreen on giggling bellies and paint pictures and snuggle the day away. But not this year. This year I chose to climb the ladder.
I cried the other day because I had to drop a class. Never in my life have I had to drop a class. But I couldn't do it. I didn't have anything else to give, and I knew that one class alone was all I could take this semester. Having babies broke me. They shattered my perfectionist tendencies into a thousand pieces and I was suddenly forced between perfection in school and being a good mom. And I chose mom.
Last night the weight of it all kept me awake. I asked Ben to hold me for a while, and before he went to bed he said, "Let Jesus come in to wherever you are at."
All this time spent worrying about teaching during this pandemic, climbing the ladder of success in grad school, cramming in a daily workout... it's fruitless if I don't exert the same effort into my relationship with Christ.
If all we do is climb the ladders of this world and we forget to climb the ladder to Heaven, we will feel so defeated when perfectionism isn't attainable. Christianity reminds us that His love is made perfect in our weaknesses. His love is perfect in our inability to do it all. When we invite God into our struggles, peace can finally enter and life is sure to follow.
I don't know how to find extra hours in the day. I don't know what my children feel about only having a couple of hours with me every day. I don't know if I'll meet my academic and health goals.
But I DO know that if God is there, the yoke is easy and the burden light.
And that's all our momma hearts really need, isn't it?
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