I'm going to dish out some insight into one of my biggest pet peeves as a parent, and it has nothing to do directly with me. Rather, it is a phrase directed at my children, and, in reality, ALL children at some point in their lives. These two words make me more uncomfortable and irritated than they probably should, to be honest. But something about them makes the mama bear in me want to lash out in an error correction that we are making as we raise up this next generation of kids. Ready for them?
You're fine.
Imagine being two and crying because you fell and skinned your knee. You head to your mom and dad, you know, the ones who reveal who God is to you, and they look at your tears and say, "You're fine."
You're in the prime of learning and growing, and harsh words are uttered to you at daycare. You approach the arms of your mother and try to explain the confusion your heart is feeling, and your pain is left with a resounding, "You're fine."
As you face your first forms of frustration, something as small as failed attempts at putting the puzzle piece in the right spot can feel overwhelming. You are, after all, a toddler. And you feel BIG emotions. But don't worry, you won't be taught to take a breath and try again. You'll be dismissed from that learning opportunity because "You're fine."
I'm not saying that we should raise up an entire generation of crybabies. I do think there is something to be said for helping children learn to get through tough situations. I AM saying that "you're fine" is not doing anything to help our children become critical thinkers that are aware of their needs and emotions, and critical thinking is the most important LEARNED skill that our kids need to succeed in life.
To learn perseverance.
To learn empathy.
To learn trust.
To learn how to not dismiss someone's pain because you don't think they should be feeling it.
When we had Abigail, Ben and I discussed that our go-to phrase when she was feeling all the feels would be: "Are you okay, or do you need a hug?" I am not my daughter. I don't know if falling to the ground hurt her. I don't know if the harsh words made her feel uncomfortable. I don't know if the damn puzzle piece is causing her undue stress. But I DO know that she is capable of expressing her needs to me. I DO know that she only says she needs the hug about 50% of the time and then she moves on with her day. I DO know that affirming that she can feel however she needs to feel is teaching her to trust her gut. I DO know that I'm showing her the God that I want her to believe in, the one who won't overlook her wounds.
As adults, we would never tell someone who just broke their leg "you're fine." We would never respond to a friend who let you know the pain they felt over a racial slur thrown their way "you're fine." We would never offer the advice "you're fine" to someone trying to put the puzzle pieces of their marriage back together after an affair.
These little moments we experience as we raise our tiny humans show them how they should act as adults. They are stepping stones, a foundation, into who they will be when they are older. They show our sons and daughters that it is OKAY to feel pain, to address it, and to find a way to cope with it.
As Abby approaches three, we can now start to make the shift from "Are you okay, or do you need a hug?" to "Are you okay, or do you need mom/dad to help you? What do you need from us?"
My two and a half year old then tells us what she needs.
"I'll be okay."
"I just need to go lay down."
"I need a snack." (Same, girl.)
"I need a hug and a kiss."
And then we move on.
It takes about 10 seconds more to respond with empathy, without the assumption that you know the inner workings of your child.
But the effects of your unassuming nature, your care, your voice of the Father to them.... that lasts forever.
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