I remember the moment Abigail came into the world, pouty lipped and beautiful. Listening to her first breath was the moment that the greatest desires of my heart came into fulfillment.
God gave me a mother's heart, then let me bear the cross of infertility, only to reward me with this perfect 7lb., 4oz., ball-of-fire, beauty.
But you see, the desire for more children quickly swept over both my heart and Ben's, and by her first birthday we were praying again for another chunky-cheeked miracle. Two rounds of Clomid and a positive test later, we figured we had this all figured out.
Pray about a baby. Check.
Call our doctor. Check.
Get on an ovulatory medication. Check.
Get pregnant. Check.
The fear of "will we ever be blessed with another" was overshadowed by the "positive percentages of pregnancy" listed on our modern medicine labels.
We're now seven months into another infertility journey trying to conceive a third baby, and God has called us into the wait again.
The wait.
I wasted the wait with Abigail. I was bitter. Angry. Terrified. And I let myself sit in those emotions for a year. To this day, when I think about our wait for Abby, I still am tempted to question why.
Why would God make us wait to bring a baby into His Church?
Why would God give us a beautiful marriage only to make it fruitless?
Why would He abandon us to the desires that He placed on our heart?
The last seven months have been a difficult time for me, as my empty womb aches. But it's been a really fruitful time of reflection for me as well.
I've been wrestling with the notion that while I have rarely idealized motherhood (it's HARD, MESSY work.... but I figured it would be!), I think that in a way, I've idolized it. This desire of wanting a big family is not a bad thing in and of itself. But when it takes over my mind and heart, it becomes an idol for me. My golden calf, so to speak.
I think that when it comes down to it, we should only want the desires of our hearts to be fulfilled in as much as God wants to fulfill them. We should only want for ourselves what He wants for us. And sometimes, that's just really, really hard.
Two songs that have spoken to me over the last year are listed below. They have given me hope, and reminded me of Christ's unyielding love for me. For those of you mamas in the wait, I'll be praying you through this time.
Remember that there has never, ever been a time that He has left you alone in this. And some day, in some capacity, the desires of your heart will be fulfilled.
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